Wednesday, September 7, 2011
I Love the Rain!!
1. When it rains, it's not a good day to do much outside, except splash around in
puddles and catch raindrops on your tongue.
2. When it rains, the sounds it makes when it falls onto my house and beats upon my
windows is calming.
3. When it rains, I look forward to the sound of thunder and the sight of lightening.
4. When it rains, I love how the air feels and smells so clean and fresh.
5. When it rains, I am at peace when the mist comes through my window and falls onto
my face
6. When it rains, it's possible to see a rainbow or two.
Thanks Marc, you were the muse of the day!!!
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Not So Tickled Pink
I was perusing a dating site one winter day and I saw a guy who seemed interesting. According to his profile, he was an actor, a stuntman, liked to run and had a desk job. Sounded good to me so I sent him an email with all sorts of witty reasons about why I should be a stunt girl. I didn't hear back from him, so I wrote him off. No big deal.
A couple of months later, I received an email from this chap and he apologized for not getting back to me sooner. He just started a new job and he wanted to focus on it. Understandable, not an issue, so I answered him. We exchanged about a dozen emails and decided to meet. He said that we’d get along like peas and carrots. I replied, “I like peas and carrots, so these reasons:
1. I didn't want to waste precious brain cells communicating with someone for weeks who may turn out to be a dud. I hate when that happens
2. I like to take off work even if it's for the lamest reason
3. If he's "the one", I wanted to start dating him asap to get him off the market
The Actor and I discussed what options we had available to us. We had a big laugh because we'd both gone on dates to Rudy's in Hell's Kitchen. (See "Date With The Yellow Hat"). In all his brilliance, this fella picked a Saturday night, AT 7pm, IN the Spring, IN the heart of the Theatre District, IN Midtown Manhattan. Not my first choice since everything in the neighborhood is packed with theater-goers and tourists. Shouldn't a seasoned actor know these things?
Regardless of his poor choice, I got casually dolled up in bootcut jeans, a white button down shirt, a yellow sweater and an adorable pair of green and brown suede shoes with an ankle strap by Fly London. I topped it off with my light blue ¾ length Boden wool coat and carried my Louis Vuitton purse which contained a pair of green Converse All Stars (in case of pain).
I ran (as usual) to catch the LIRR and headed into The Big City for my date with The Actor. He has a really funny name but I don't think it would be a good idea to mention it because I'm sure I'll get sued or something stupid like that.
A couple of months later, I received an email from this chap and he apologized for not getting back to me sooner. He just started a new job and he wanted to focus on it. Understandable, not an issue, so I answered him. We exchanged about a dozen emails and decided to meet. He said that we’d get along like peas and carrots. I replied, “I like peas and carrots, so these reasons:
1. I didn't want to waste precious brain cells communicating with someone for weeks who may turn out to be a dud. I hate when that happens
2. I like to take off work even if it's for the lamest reason
3. If he's "the one", I wanted to start dating him asap to get him off the market
The Actor and I discussed what options we had available to us. We had a big laugh because we'd both gone on dates to Rudy's in Hell's Kitchen. (See "Date With The Yellow Hat"). In all his brilliance, this fella picked a Saturday night, AT 7pm, IN the Spring, IN the heart of the Theatre District, IN Midtown Manhattan. Not my first choice since everything in the neighborhood is packed with theater-goers and tourists. Shouldn't a seasoned actor know these things?
Regardless of his poor choice, I got casually dolled up in bootcut jeans, a white button down shirt, a yellow sweater and an adorable pair of green and brown suede shoes with an ankle strap by Fly London. I topped it off with my light blue ¾ length Boden wool coat and carried my Louis Vuitton purse which contained a pair of green Converse All Stars (in case of pain).
I ran (as usual) to catch the LIRR and headed into The Big City for my date with The Actor. He has a really funny name but I don't think it would be a good idea to mention it because I'm sure I'll get sued or something stupid like that.
At 7pm, I was standing somewhere in the 40s by 8th Avenue. Broadway shows generally begin at 8pm, so the streets were pretty crowded. He text me while I was on the LIRR to say that there was a
different schedule for the subway he took, so he’d be there a little late. Not a problem for me to wait for my
future boyfriend.
I stood outside in the cool Spring air, near the brick over
pizza place we had decided on and we sent texts back and forth about his progress from
Brooklyn. I was kind of excited to meet him because his pictures were kind
of cute and he had a nice voice with a slight Texas accent. His profile said that he was 5’11” and
had a few extra pounds. He said that he had a regular gig on a tv series but held a
steady 9 to 5 job to pay the bills. He wasn’t a very
busy actor but the business is tough, so I gave him some slack. I was actually more interested in his stuntman
career since I have the habit of performing stunts without my own prior knowledge.
The Actor let me know that he finally got out of the subway and was walking towards me. We joked about him being several different people and that I was the tall transvestite on the corner. I looked eastbound and saw The Actor approaching me. My first thought
was “He’s not 5’11” and he’s has a little bit more than a ‘few pounds”. He obviously ran as much (or as little) as I did. Both aren’t deal breakers but he should
face reality and get his height and weight checked on his next visit to the
doctor. Talent scouts notice that sort of thing, don't they? As he got closer, I was, however, able to
see that he was not my type just by his attire. He wore jeans which were eh, a loud, long sleeve black and white
print shirt, a pair of black dress shoes (with jeans?)
and a long lightweight coat in a maroon/black marble print. I’m not a fan of long coats on guys,
especially when it’s a little shiny.
I decided to suck it up and keep an open mind because maybe
he was a nice guy despite his outdated look. Besides, I had nothing else to do. There was a bit of a wait for a table (10 or 15 minutes) and
he asked me if I wanted to sit at the bar to wait and I agreed. On the way, he took it upon himself to decide
that we’d sit at the bar and order food. This was more of a service bar than seating for a first date. He kept his coat on and barely faced me as he sat. The Actor asked me if I liked pepperoni and I said “No. But
I’m sure there are some interesting things on the menu.” Helloooo – a pepperoni pizza at a brick oven pizza place? Boring and
cheesy. We ordered a small
pie with mushrooms and black olives which he ate as though he was on his way to "the chair'.
I got a soda and he ordered water.
He commented about how great it was that I don’t drink because bottles of wine were $30 and up. He asked me if my purse was real. As if I'd carry a knock-off from Canal St. We sat and looked around one too many times. For some reason this guy, who was pretty chatty online and on the telephone, suddenly lost his tongue. It took
a concerted effort for me to have a conversation with him. Believe it or not, I was running out
of subjects to discuss. We ordered another
pizza and, again, I watched him wolf it down with no manners
whatsoever. The busboy placed
someone’s used breadbasket next to him to discard. He took a piece of bread and spread
some butter on it. Really? I was praying to the gods that the staff realized that this was a first AND last date.
The
bartender placed the bill on the bar. “Finally”, I thought, “this date is wrapping up and I can get home and into bed.” The Actor opened the folder up while I wasn't paying attention and saw the damage - a whopping $32.00. He then started to "act" distracted by turning and looking away from the bar. I got the feeling that he wanted to split the bill and I wanted to leave, so I said "How much do I ..." but before I said "owe" he quickly answered "20 dollars." Damn, if I knew he was so broke, I would've payed the whole bill.
We made our way onto the street and I said that I was getting tired because I'd worked the night before. He seemed to ignore me and he basically dragged me to 42nd St., to the movie theaters. I was tired, my feet were hurting and I wanted to go home. He was so not blister-worthy and I had no desire to sit in a theater with him for the following three reasons:
1. I can't stand movie theaters,
2. all of the movies sucked as far as I was concerned and
3. I did not want to spend anymore time with this cheap bastard.
Finally, I spoke a little bit louder and said "I'm really tired and I'm going to head home." He said, "Okay. I guess it doesn't make sense to pay $13 for a movie when you're going to fall asleep in it. There's a subway around the corner." He failed to notice the one in front of us and ignored me pointing out the closer, less painful route. Fortunately, I had my Metrocard out because he darted down the stairs ahead of me and went through the turnstile without giving me a swipe. On the second set of stairs, he did the same thing as a train was approaching. He told me to hurry. I was hoping he would get on it before the doors closed. Grumble. He did not. So we stood there awkwardly and I said "It's ok. There will be another one soon." On the platform, he saw a girl that he used to work with and pointed her out. I looked in her direction but made no effort to see who he was talking about. "Huh," I said, "small world."
Happily a train pulled into the station but, alack, we sat there for a good 5 minutes with the doors open and made annoying small talk. Suddenly, The Actor said, "I'm going to go say 'Hi!' to my friend." For some reason kissed me on the cheek and said "It was nice to meet you." before rudely leaving the car that I was standing in - ON 42nd Street, IN NYC, AT 11:00pm. What a gentleman! I looked at the young cop who was watching this unfold and I said "What a douche."
When I got off the Subway, my feet were blistered and hurt so badly. I remembered that I had my Chucks in my purse, so I decided to make a switch. As I struggled to unbuckle the second shoe, a strange guy walked by and said "Nice shoes. Are they Gucci." I politely smiled and said "No. Fly London." Gucci?!! Even if I was able to afford Gucci shoes, they are definitely not my style.
Two weeks later, I got an email from The Actor. I thought "Hmmmm. Strange. This should be interesting." I opened the email and it said "Hi, I enjoyed meeting you but I've met someone else. We've had a couple of dates and I want to see how it ends up." Really?!!!!
Incidentally, the big stuntman role he had was running his fat ass naked down a street. Stuntman, my ass. I do more stunts walking down a staircase in the snow.
1. I can't stand movie theaters,
2. all of the movies sucked as far as I was concerned and
3. I did not want to spend anymore time with this cheap bastard.
Finally, I spoke a little bit louder and said "I'm really tired and I'm going to head home." He said, "Okay. I guess it doesn't make sense to pay $13 for a movie when you're going to fall asleep in it. There's a subway around the corner." He failed to notice the one in front of us and ignored me pointing out the closer, less painful route. Fortunately, I had my Metrocard out because he darted down the stairs ahead of me and went through the turnstile without giving me a swipe. On the second set of stairs, he did the same thing as a train was approaching. He told me to hurry. I was hoping he would get on it before the doors closed. Grumble. He did not. So we stood there awkwardly and I said "It's ok. There will be another one soon." On the platform, he saw a girl that he used to work with and pointed her out. I looked in her direction but made no effort to see who he was talking about. "Huh," I said, "small world."
Happily a train pulled into the station but, alack, we sat there for a good 5 minutes with the doors open and made annoying small talk. Suddenly, The Actor said, "I'm going to go say 'Hi!' to my friend." For some reason kissed me on the cheek and said "It was nice to meet you." before rudely leaving the car that I was standing in - ON 42nd Street, IN NYC, AT 11:00pm. What a gentleman! I looked at the young cop who was watching this unfold and I said "What a douche."
When I got off the Subway, my feet were blistered and hurt so badly. I remembered that I had my Chucks in my purse, so I decided to make a switch. As I struggled to unbuckle the second shoe, a strange guy walked by and said "Nice shoes. Are they Gucci." I politely smiled and said "No. Fly London." Gucci?!! Even if I was able to afford Gucci shoes, they are definitely not my style.
Two weeks later, I got an email from The Actor. I thought "Hmmmm. Strange. This should be interesting." I opened the email and it said "Hi, I enjoyed meeting you but I've met someone else. We've had a couple of dates and I want to see how it ends up." Really?!!!!
Incidentally, the big stuntman role he had was running his fat ass naked down a street. Stuntman, my ass. I do more stunts walking down a staircase in the snow.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Online Dating Photos
Online photos are posted for men to allegedly attract women. Some men seem to be looking for buddies more than mates and sometimes I can't imagine what they are looking for. Here are examples of photos that are funny, weird and/or disturbing that men post to attract women:
- A webcam photo of some freaky, basement dwelling guy that had bags and boxes of "stuff" in the background. It seems he was a bit of a hoarder. I guess he wanted to show his future bride that he was a serious collector of....something?
- Guy in the basement with 7 foot ceilings and living rooms with 70s and 80s decor.
- Guy with gigantic dead fish proudly displayed on a boat or a dock. Is he looking for The Gorton's
Fisherman's daughter?
- Guy next to his car - which he usually calls his "baby" or "pride and joy".
- Guy on his motorcycle (which can be kind of hot depending on the guy and the bike). Thug on Ninja-type bike, not so hot to regular chicks.
- Guy in his car with the door open - like's he's going somewhere important.
- Guy in self-picture he's taken while inside his car with weird facial expression.
- Guy holding up 3 bottles of booze while his friend holds 3 more.
- Guy in self-pic at the gym with muscle tank (add weight-lifting gloves for the serious gym rat).
- Guy flexing his biceps in his gym picture to show that his steroids are working.
- Guy in self-pic with no shirt in the bathroom (stomach sucked in is a bonus).
- Guy in self-pic with not showing his head, no shirt on and flexing his upper body.
- Guy doing a Russian Split and then some sort of contortionist pose while in said split.
- Guy with cat, cats, bird or a reptile.
- Guys with kids in their pictures. Pictures of kids should be banned from dating sites.
- Guy with picture of Mom - cut the apron strings, please.
- Guy with ex's face/body cut out of picture with an arm still around his neck.
- Guy with Santa, Elves or theme park characters: Sesame Street, Disney, etc
- Guy at a Convention: Star Wars, comic book, Medieval and the like, car, boat, porn star (yes), etc.
- Guy in what looks like a Mug Shot.
- Guy who posed at Glamor Shots for his profile pictures.
- Guy in work id picture.
- Guy who took a photo of a photo in a frame to post on profile.
- Guy sleeping in bed looking all sexy (I don't think his mom took that picture).
- Guy who puts a celebrities photo up.
- Guy making a stupid face
- Guy wearing a Santa hat or Disney ears (Mickey or Goofy)
- Guy that you can't actually see because it's taken so far away (I'm sure there's a valid reason for that).
- Guy in bike shorts, bike shirt and helmet (like they are Tour de France participants).
- Guys in short running shorts, all sweaty because they are running in a marathon.
- Guy with sick pot belly, not one recognizable muscle, posing shirtless asking why he's not getting any responses.
- Guy who is a huge sports fan at a game with a painted face, cheese head, Viking helmet, etc.
- Guy sitting in a bar where everyone probably knows his name.
- Guy in his 60s outside someone's door, holding a stuffed monkey and a bouquet of 7-11 flowers.
- Guy dressed in Gang colors flashing gang signs.
- Guy in police, fd or military uniform (come on, really?).
- Guy with an ascot sitting in a Victorian Era love seat with his legs crossed (looking for a girl?)
- Guy who is cross-dressed in 5 inch heels and lingerie looking for an understanding female
- Guy in cowboy hat who's not in a rodeo or at a country music concert.
If you read this and are guilty of the above please take heed and edit your profile. If you know someone who is violating all forms of decency, please help them edit their profile. I'm not sure what the percentage is of women who like any of the above poses but I'll bet it's on the low side (most likely in the single digits).
Check back because I can guarantee there's more to come.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
They All Have Something in Common...
My first On-line date: Dressed like an old man and seemed to have dust on his clothing. He wore bad shoes. Doughy and pale. He had a cat.
The Guy with the Little Head - and ears that stuck out. He said he was 5'9" but was really about 5'6"/5'7". His sister wrote his profile. He had a cat.
The Holistic Musician - has his own blog story on here (coming soon). Long hair, soft spoken. He had a cat.
Lonely Boy - wore Hawaiian shirts. Tried to dress me in Dress Barn clothing. Gave me instructions on how to behave when I met his family. He had a cat.
Pink Parts - has his own blog story on here (coming soon). Thought it was ok to make people believe that he was a doctor even though he sold medical equipment. He had a cat.
Short, Sweat Bald Guy - wore orange socks. Was not 5'10". Was about 5'7" and had a loft-type bed which he had to hop up on. He had a cat.
Date with the Yellow Hat. Has his own blog story on here. He had a cat.
Not so Tickled Pink - has his own blog story on here (coming soon). Wore Hawaiian shirt and a long, canvas coat. He had a cat.
The Guy with the Little Head - and ears that stuck out. He said he was 5'9" but was really about 5'6"/5'7". His sister wrote his profile. He had a cat.
The Holistic Musician - has his own blog story on here (coming soon). Long hair, soft spoken. He had a cat.
Lonely Boy - wore Hawaiian shirts. Tried to dress me in Dress Barn clothing. Gave me instructions on how to behave when I met his family. He had a cat.
Pink Parts - has his own blog story on here (coming soon). Thought it was ok to make people believe that he was a doctor even though he sold medical equipment. He had a cat.
Short, Sweat Bald Guy - wore orange socks. Was not 5'10". Was about 5'7" and had a loft-type bed which he had to hop up on. He had a cat.
Date with the Yellow Hat. Has his own blog story on here. He had a cat.
Not so Tickled Pink - has his own blog story on here (coming soon). Wore Hawaiian shirt and a long, canvas coat. He had a cat.
Introduction to Online Dating
I'm part of a group of women who are older, single and looking for someone to be spend time with. I'd like to find a guy who can deal with me through thick (literally) and thin (I wish). Unfortunately, meeting guys in person is difficult, so I began the adventure of online dating.
The online dating idea had been in my head for a while but I just couldn't get started and I was kind of afraid that I'd look desperate. In October of 2008, I was home sick and so bored. I really missed people watching and actually interacting with people. The next thing I knew, Starfish was born and I was now in the game.
It's been a long and interesting two years with a few different user names, lot of laughs and great stories to share with friends. Nicknames were created to keep up with who was where and what his story was. Weekly updates were demanded of me because the characters somehow became a source of entertainment for all. The pressure was on for me to produce more men!
Be that as it may, online dating is one crazy trip. I've been down some wacky roads along the Internet Dating Highway and I think it's time to share some of my adventures. So buckle up, grab a snack and a smoke and maybe I'll get you to laugh a little, too.
I started my search on a couple of paid sites, foolishly thinking that I'd get a more realistic bunch of prospects. Unfortunately, I was dead wrong. I can't publish any of the pictures or profiles but I think you'll get a good mental picture by the end of this Blog. The profiles range from beyond hysterical, to very odd, to quite disturbing. Every time that I think I've found the weirdest profile, I come across one that tops it.
So if you're bored one day, go to one of the free sites and make up a profile just to do some people watching. You're sure to have a few laughs - and if you're single, you might find your next date.
To Be Continued....
January 27, 2012
Why is it that all the guys who have been emailing me are only interested in cyber-sex?
"John" and "Kurt" and the names go on. Aren't there any normal looking guys interesting in meeting a cool chick like me?!!
The online dating idea had been in my head for a while but I just couldn't get started and I was kind of afraid that I'd look desperate. In October of 2008, I was home sick and so bored. I really missed people watching and actually interacting with people. The next thing I knew, Starfish was born and I was now in the game.
It's been a long and interesting two years with a few different user names, lot of laughs and great stories to share with friends. Nicknames were created to keep up with who was where and what his story was. Weekly updates were demanded of me because the characters somehow became a source of entertainment for all. The pressure was on for me to produce more men!
Be that as it may, online dating is one crazy trip. I've been down some wacky roads along the Internet Dating Highway and I think it's time to share some of my adventures. So buckle up, grab a snack and a smoke and maybe I'll get you to laugh a little, too.
I started my search on a couple of paid sites, foolishly thinking that I'd get a more realistic bunch of prospects. Unfortunately, I was dead wrong. I can't publish any of the pictures or profiles but I think you'll get a good mental picture by the end of this Blog. The profiles range from beyond hysterical, to very odd, to quite disturbing. Every time that I think I've found the weirdest profile, I come across one that tops it.
So if you're bored one day, go to one of the free sites and make up a profile just to do some people watching. You're sure to have a few laughs - and if you're single, you might find your next date.
To Be Continued....
January 27, 2012
Why is it that all the guys who have been emailing me are only interested in cyber-sex?
"John" and "Kurt" and the names go on. Aren't there any normal looking guys interesting in meeting a cool chick like me?!!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
The Date with The Yellow Hat
Not just a yellow hat but a yellow Panama hat - and in the middle of NYC.
My brief encounter with strangeness started off by me perusing a dating website and commenting on someone's profile about his love of liberals. I had to convince him that dogs and cats can get along, as long as they don't discuss politics.
I shall call him My Man.
My Man appeared to be, let me stress this - Appeared To Be - a rough and tumble guy who loved to travel and work with his hands. A man's man. He wore a neat khaki green waxed jacket in a picture taken in Ireland. Cool. My Man built furniture. I thought of Aidan, Carrie's furniture master, from Sex in the City. Sexy. He was 6'2" with short brown hair. My type of guy. Sweet!! Definitely My Man!
Excitedly, I got casually dolled up for the evening. After my mani/pedi, I had my hair blown out with curls. This date was no joke. I wore a white shirt, my blue print skirt and my favorite Fly London watermelon shoes (not really the name of the shoe but that's what they look like). I carried my pale yellow sweater in my straw purse. I hopped on the LIRR and headed into The Big City on a hot summer night to meet him - My Man.
My Man picked the place, Rudy's in Hell's Kitchen. I was told it was one of the first bars to open after Prohibition. I made my way northeast from Penn Station while My Man was running late because of traffic from Jersey. No big deal, love is patient. I'll wait for My Man. I entered Rudy's where the giant doorman, asked me for ID and chatted me up a bit. I took a seat at the bar and ordered a Diet Coke. I figured I'd need the caffeine kick because this was going to be a long night of FUN! The doorman walked by and chatted to me again and figured out that I was obviously meeting a date there. There were hip New Yorkers situated all around the old and dark bar. Although dingy, it had a lot of charm. Beer was on tap, music was playing and the hipsters were laughing it up. I knew I'd be doing that shortly with My Man. I waited with butterflies in my stomach. I was waiting for MY Man!
My fantasy came to a crashing halt when My Man walked in to Rudy's wearing khaki shorts, a tucked in buttoned shirt, sandals and a messenger bag slung across his torso like he was going on an adventure. The piece de resistance was what was on his head - A Yellow Panama Hat!! I didn't realize that my date was friends with a fictitious monkey. Had I know that, I would've brought an accordion or some bananas. I was now stuck with The Man with the Yellow Hat and my dream ended - he was no longer My Man.
Hellos were exchanged and I heard that laugh. It was one of those nervous type laughs that only a man with a yellow hat could muster up. He ordered a pitcher of beer and offered me some. I politely declined and he started to insist that I have "just a taste'. I cut him off and told him that I don't imbibe. He laughed that weird laugh again. We, I mean he, gabbed away and I started to see some flaws in his stories. Yes, it was a date, not an investigation. But any idiot would have noticed the discrepancies.
The highlight of this evening was when my date kept steering the conversation towards his "duel citizenship". I soon found out that it was because he was obviously eager to show me his two passports. This action would be the equivalent of a girl showing her photo album. What was unimpressive was that he'd only been to Great Britain, hardly the world traveler. I asked this fellow why he carried around his passports and his reply was "In case I have to quickly leave The Country." I then asked him why he wouldn't go home and get some things (like clothes and toiletries). He said "Well in case there is an emergency and I have to get out fast." Did he think he was a spy or an International Oil Tycoon? Hell, he was a furniture builder who worked odd jobs to allegedly put himself through Grad School. Thar discussion ended when he mentioned that he may have to fly to Hawaii with his friend, the diamond dealer.
I'm not a good liar or actor, so I ended up going to a Thai restaurant with this character because I didn't have a legitimate excuse to leave. We entered the restaurant and he asked the hostess where he could put his hat so that it wouldn't get crushed. He kept his messenger bag close to him. Undoubtedly said bag contained top secret documents, formulas and/or diamonds. We ordered dinner and Bond chatted incessantly about himself and his mother. He kept discussing my job even though I told him several times that I don't like to discuss it in public. I can't even imagine what the unfortunate people in adjoining tables thought of this character. I did get the feeling that they felt bad for me. At one point he invited me out east to his friend's house Labor Day Weekend. He said that his dad would love me because he's Ultra Conservative. Considering that I barely spoke, I would've recalled mentioning my affiliation to the John Birch Society. He then said that he asked me because he thought the date was going well. I suppose if I drank 2 pitchers of beer, a glass of scotch and a bottle of beer I might see it that way, too. The look of shock on my face gave him an answer he wasn't expecting.
I struggled to quickly finish and be as polite as possible. At this point, I would've preferred some sort of archaic torture over this meal. I daydreamed about being on a bed of nails with a 200 lb weight on my stomach. The bill arrived and The Man with the Yellow Hat let it sit there for a bit. I finally mentioned that we should pay it and be on our way. Ever so slowly he removed his wallet. It was like he was handing the bank the deed to his ancestor's foreclosed farm. I asked how much I owed and he told me $28.00. I felt this was better than when I paid half of a $60 lunch bill on another date when all I had was a salad.
The evening finally ended when he walked me to Penn Station - through the streets of NY with that yellow hat. He gave me a peck on the cheek and I quickly said "Good night". I made my escape down the escalator and would never to be seen again by The Man with the Yellow Hat.
My brief encounter with strangeness started off by me perusing a dating website and commenting on someone's profile about his love of liberals. I had to convince him that dogs and cats can get along, as long as they don't discuss politics.
I shall call him My Man.
My Man appeared to be, let me stress this - Appeared To Be - a rough and tumble guy who loved to travel and work with his hands. A man's man. He wore a neat khaki green waxed jacket in a picture taken in Ireland. Cool. My Man built furniture. I thought of Aidan, Carrie's furniture master, from Sex in the City. Sexy. He was 6'2" with short brown hair. My type of guy. Sweet!! Definitely My Man!
Excitedly, I got casually dolled up for the evening. After my mani/pedi, I had my hair blown out with curls. This date was no joke. I wore a white shirt, my blue print skirt and my favorite Fly London watermelon shoes (not really the name of the shoe but that's what they look like). I carried my pale yellow sweater in my straw purse. I hopped on the LIRR and headed into The Big City on a hot summer night to meet him - My Man.
My Man picked the place, Rudy's in Hell's Kitchen. I was told it was one of the first bars to open after Prohibition. I made my way northeast from Penn Station while My Man was running late because of traffic from Jersey. No big deal, love is patient. I'll wait for My Man. I entered Rudy's where the giant doorman, asked me for ID and chatted me up a bit. I took a seat at the bar and ordered a Diet Coke. I figured I'd need the caffeine kick because this was going to be a long night of FUN! The doorman walked by and chatted to me again and figured out that I was obviously meeting a date there. There were hip New Yorkers situated all around the old and dark bar. Although dingy, it had a lot of charm. Beer was on tap, music was playing and the hipsters were laughing it up. I knew I'd be doing that shortly with My Man. I waited with butterflies in my stomach. I was waiting for MY Man!
My fantasy came to a crashing halt when My Man walked in to Rudy's wearing khaki shorts, a tucked in buttoned shirt, sandals and a messenger bag slung across his torso like he was going on an adventure. The piece de resistance was what was on his head - A Yellow Panama Hat!! I didn't realize that my date was friends with a fictitious monkey. Had I know that, I would've brought an accordion or some bananas. I was now stuck with The Man with the Yellow Hat and my dream ended - he was no longer My Man.
Hellos were exchanged and I heard that laugh. It was one of those nervous type laughs that only a man with a yellow hat could muster up. He ordered a pitcher of beer and offered me some. I politely declined and he started to insist that I have "just a taste'. I cut him off and told him that I don't imbibe. He laughed that weird laugh again. We, I mean he, gabbed away and I started to see some flaws in his stories. Yes, it was a date, not an investigation. But any idiot would have noticed the discrepancies.
The highlight of this evening was when my date kept steering the conversation towards his "duel citizenship". I soon found out that it was because he was obviously eager to show me his two passports. This action would be the equivalent of a girl showing her photo album. What was unimpressive was that he'd only been to Great Britain, hardly the world traveler. I asked this fellow why he carried around his passports and his reply was "In case I have to quickly leave The Country." I then asked him why he wouldn't go home and get some things (like clothes and toiletries). He said "Well in case there is an emergency and I have to get out fast." Did he think he was a spy or an International Oil Tycoon? Hell, he was a furniture builder who worked odd jobs to allegedly put himself through Grad School. Thar discussion ended when he mentioned that he may have to fly to Hawaii with his friend, the diamond dealer.
I'm not a good liar or actor, so I ended up going to a Thai restaurant with this character because I didn't have a legitimate excuse to leave. We entered the restaurant and he asked the hostess where he could put his hat so that it wouldn't get crushed. He kept his messenger bag close to him. Undoubtedly said bag contained top secret documents, formulas and/or diamonds. We ordered dinner and Bond chatted incessantly about himself and his mother. He kept discussing my job even though I told him several times that I don't like to discuss it in public. I can't even imagine what the unfortunate people in adjoining tables thought of this character. I did get the feeling that they felt bad for me. At one point he invited me out east to his friend's house Labor Day Weekend. He said that his dad would love me because he's Ultra Conservative. Considering that I barely spoke, I would've recalled mentioning my affiliation to the John Birch Society. He then said that he asked me because he thought the date was going well. I suppose if I drank 2 pitchers of beer, a glass of scotch and a bottle of beer I might see it that way, too. The look of shock on my face gave him an answer he wasn't expecting.
I struggled to quickly finish and be as polite as possible. At this point, I would've preferred some sort of archaic torture over this meal. I daydreamed about being on a bed of nails with a 200 lb weight on my stomach. The bill arrived and The Man with the Yellow Hat let it sit there for a bit. I finally mentioned that we should pay it and be on our way. Ever so slowly he removed his wallet. It was like he was handing the bank the deed to his ancestor's foreclosed farm. I asked how much I owed and he told me $28.00. I felt this was better than when I paid half of a $60 lunch bill on another date when all I had was a salad.
The evening finally ended when he walked me to Penn Station - through the streets of NY with that yellow hat. He gave me a peck on the cheek and I quickly said "Good night". I made my escape down the escalator and would never to be seen again by The Man with the Yellow Hat.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
My Nieces and Nephews
I can't think of everything all at once, so I'll update this as I remember and as things come up.
"Sno Vite vants something to draink." - E
"She think she's soo popularity." - L
"Look at me and my popular hair." - L
"You can call me Sweetie. Just don't call me Sweetner." -S
"I'm sure he makes his mother proud" -A
"I'm allergic to penicillin!"
"Remember when Ruby was big at night and was small in the morning." - S
"What's a porn shop." -A
"Granny's a Pole Dancer." - A
"Allie Marina" - S
"Aunt Kelly is The Beast Aunt." - Al
"Thank you for the spac tac u lar outfit"
"Sno Vite vants something to draink." - E
"She think she's soo popularity." - L
"Look at me and my popular hair." - L
"You can call me Sweetie. Just don't call me Sweetner." -S
"I'm sure he makes his mother proud" -A
"I'm allergic to penicillin!"
"Remember when Ruby was big at night and was small in the morning." - S
"What's a porn shop." -A
"Granny's a Pole Dancer." - A
"Allie Marina" - S
"Aunt Kelly is The Beast Aunt." - Al
"Thank you for the spac tac u lar outfit"
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