The Date with The Yellow Hat

Not just a yellow hat but a yellow Panama hat - and in the middle of NYC.

My brief encounter with strangeness started off by me perusing a dating website and commenting on someone's profile about his love of liberals.  I had to convince him that dogs and cats can get along, as long as they don't discuss politics.

I shall call him My Man.

My Man appeared to be, let me stress this - Appeared To Be - a rough and tumble guy who loved to travel and work with his hands.  A man's man.  He wore a neat khaki green waxed jacket in a picture taken in Ireland.  Cool.  My Man built furniture.  I thought of Aidan, Carrie's furniture master, from Sex in the City.  Sexy.  He was 6'2" with short brown hair.  My type of guy.  Sweet!!  Definitely My Man!

Excitedly, I got casually dolled up for the evening.  After my mani/pedi, I had my hair blown out with curls. This date was no joke.  I wore a white shirt, my blue print skirt and my favorite Fly London watermelon shoes (not really the name of the shoe but that's what they look like).  I carried my pale yellow sweater in my straw purse.  I hopped on the LIRR and headed into The Big City on a hot summer night to meet him - My Man.

My Man picked the place, Rudy's in Hell's Kitchen.  I was told it was one of the first bars to open after Prohibition.  I made my way northeast from Penn Station while My Man was running late because of traffic from Jersey.  No big deal, love is patient.  I'll wait for My Man.  I entered Rudy's where the giant doorman, asked me for ID and chatted me up a bit.  I took a seat at the bar and ordered a Diet Coke.  I figured I'd need the caffeine kick because this was going to be a long night of FUN!  The doorman walked by and chatted to me again and figured out that I was obviously meeting a date there.  There were hip New Yorkers situated all around the old and dark bar.  Although dingy, it had a lot of charm.  Beer was on tap, music was playing and the hipsters were laughing it up.  I knew I'd be doing that shortly with My Man.  I waited with butterflies in my stomach.  I was waiting for MY Man!

My fantasy came to a crashing halt when My Man walked in to Rudy's wearing khaki shorts, a tucked in buttoned shirt, sandals and a messenger bag slung across his torso like he was going on an adventure.  The piece de resistance was what was on his head - A Yellow Panama Hat!!  I didn't realize that my date was friends with a fictitious monkey.  Had I know that, I would've brought an accordion or some bananas.  I was now stuck with The Man with the Yellow Hat and my dream ended - he was no longer My Man.

Hellos were exchanged and I heard that laugh.  It was one of those nervous type laughs that only a man with a yellow hat could muster up.  He ordered a pitcher of beer and offered me some.  I politely declined and he started to insist that I have "just a taste'.  I cut him off and told him that I don't imbibe.  He laughed that weird laugh again.  We, I mean he, gabbed away and I started to see some flaws in his stories.  Yes, it was a date, not an investigation.  But any idiot would have noticed the discrepancies.

The highlight of this evening was when my date kept steering the conversation towards his "duel citizenship".  I soon found out that it was because he was obviously eager to show me his two passports. This action would be the equivalent of a girl showing her photo album.  What was unimpressive was that he'd only been to Great Britain, hardly the world traveler.  I asked this fellow why he carried around his passports and his reply was "In case I have to quickly leave The Country."  I then asked him why he wouldn't go home and get some things (like clothes and toiletries).  He said "Well in case there is an emergency and I have to get out fast."   Did he think he was a spy or an International Oil Tycoon?  Hell, he was a furniture builder who worked odd jobs to allegedly put himself through Grad School.  Thar discussion ended when he mentioned that he may have to fly to Hawaii with his friend, the diamond dealer.

I'm not a good liar or actor, so I ended up going to a Thai restaurant with this character because I didn't have a legitimate excuse to leave.  We entered the restaurant and he asked the hostess where he could put his hat so that it wouldn't get crushed.  He kept his messenger bag close to him.  Undoubtedly said bag contained top secret documents, formulas and/or diamonds.  We ordered dinner and Bond chatted incessantly about himself and his mother.  He kept discussing my job even though I told him several times that I don't like to discuss it in public.  I can't even imagine what the unfortunate people in adjoining tables thought of this character.  I did get the feeling that they felt bad for me.  At one point he invited me out east to his friend's house Labor Day Weekend.  He said that his dad would love me because he's Ultra Conservative.  Considering that I barely spoke, I would've recalled mentioning my affiliation to the John Birch Society.  He then said that he asked me because he thought the date was going well.  I suppose if I drank 2 pitchers of beer, a glass of scotch and a bottle of beer I might see it that way, too.  The look of shock on my face gave him an answer he wasn't expecting.

I struggled to quickly finish and be as polite as possible.  At this point, I would've preferred some sort of archaic torture over this meal.  I daydreamed about being on a bed of nails with a 200 lb weight on my stomach.  The bill arrived and The Man with the Yellow Hat let it sit there for a bit. I finally mentioned that we should pay it and be on our way.  Ever so slowly he removed his wallet.  It was like he was handing the bank the deed to his ancestor's foreclosed farm.  I asked how much I owed and he told me $28.00.  I felt this was better than when I paid half of a $60 lunch bill on another date when all I had was a salad.

The evening finally ended when he walked me to Penn Station - through the streets of NY with that yellow hat.  He gave me a peck on the cheek and I quickly said "Good night".  I made my escape down the escalator and would never to be seen again by The Man with the Yellow Hat.

My Nieces and Nephews

I can't think of everything all at once, so I'll update this as I remember and as things come up.


"Sno Vite vants something to draink." - E
"She think she's soo popularity."  - L
"Look at me and my popular hair." - L
"You can call me Sweetie.  Just don't call me Sweetner."  -S
"I'm sure he makes his mother proud" -A
"I'm allergic to penicillin!"
"Remember when Ruby was big at night and was small in the morning." - S
"What's a porn shop." -A
"Granny's a Pole Dancer." - A
"Allie Marina" - S
"Aunt Kelly is The Beast Aunt." - Al
"Thank you for the spac tac u lar outfit"

Funny Things My Family Will Never Forget

"Back in the days of Mandy"
"You dance in the star ballerina's place, ballerina's place, ballerina's place..."
Allan painting the brand new bathroom gold
"Everybody's got a hungry heart"
Bullwhips, a guitar, a stuffed iguana and Freddy and Freida Frog puppets are all things that Dad brought home from NYC
"Wiggy"
Shrimp Chow Mein (gross)
"Want a cup of coffee?"
"I don't care."

Things My Dogs Have Eaten

These two characters should have their own Blog. Pepper is the goofy one who is always in trouble. Gus is the straight dog who once caused some trouble back in his puppy days. My guess is that Gus tries to talk Peep out of getting into places she doesn't belong. Apparently, Pep thinks the punishment is worth the crime. Stay tuned.......


The other night, I discovered that Little Miss Pepper can get ONTO the kitchen counter.  I think Gus is involved and is given half the booty.  I can picture Gus lacing his paws together to give Peep her initial boost and then pushing her butt up while leaning against the cabinets.  Then Gus runs into the living room and peeps out the window with binoculars to make sure the coast is clear. 


The dog's Cirque de Soleil acrobatics would explain why the tomato went missing and there was a bite taken out of a peach a few weeks ago.  It would also explain how she got the banana out of a bowl that was about 1 1/2 feet from the edge and why half the peel was left on the counter. This time she ate a green pot scrubber, opened one of the dog treat canisters and ate about 4 Greenies.  There is also a yellow Handiwipe missing from the sink.  During the binge, Pepper also removed a plastic Popeye bowl from the sink because I think she needed something to drink.  

Pepper has successfully opened the cabinet door where the trash is stored.  She then figured out how to unlatch a squeeze together baby lock and then a push-down baby lock.  Her next trick was popping up a hook and eye and then unraveling the rubberband that held it closed.  Now there is a hook and eye on the cabinet with a locking mechanism on it.  She realized that she can sometimes pull the hook out of the wood.  She's a genius.


If anyone has a Nanny Cam, I'd love to set it up and make them a YouTube sensation!




Gus, The Little Brown Dog, has eaten the following:


1lb grated parmigiano reggiano




Pepper, The Little Beast, has eaten or chomped on the following:


A half a bag of Chick Peas
A box of Sno Caps (chocolate is very bad for dogs)
3/4 lb cottage cheese
Tea Bags
A brand new pair Naya light brown suede shoes (chomped on)
Sweater and shirts (chomped on while jumping)
Toilet paper
napkins and other paper products
1/2 of a boot box, shoe boxes and other types of cardboard
greeting cards
magazines
rubber dog toys
Wild Cherries
Gum (she likes to chew it)
Candy
flowers
dirt
poop (her's and Gus's - gag)
Q-Tips and other bathroom trash
Vegetable peelings - potatoes, carrots, etc
Tin Foil
Saran Wrap
Egg shells
Anything that falls on the floor
Sour crab apples
Burt's Bees papaya lip balm
Stuff she's taken out of my purses
Food on the table if I forget to push in the chair
Bill's pizza
5 Ravioli with sauce
The sweeper part of the vacuum
Dead birds
a yellow handiwipe
a plastic bowl from caffe laguna
a green scrubbing pad
a banana
a tomato
half a peach
Caps from plastic bottles
Orange juice containers
about a pound of old Halloween chocolate  (1st expensive vet bill)
dryer sheets
uncooked orzo and pastina
a couple of plastic dog toys
3/4 lb cottage cheese
the fuzz off 2 mini tennis balls
bit holes through 2 tin cans
about a dozen butternut squash ravioli
2 pears
Lemonheads
a bag of M&Ms
a sandwich bag of cashews & almonds (2nd major vet bill)
plastic lids for open cans
more chocolate = sick tummy AGAIN
bagels that were meant for my breakfast date
cat poop (gross)
anything that she pulls out of the garbage
plastic forks and sporks
whatever is in the kitchen sink

Funny Things I've Recently Heard

"Jersey shore called and they want their shirts back."

"And all my pink parts are clean."

"Did you get happy?"

Question:   "Do you know who Melody Gardot is?"
Answer:     "Yes, I'm really into actors and movies."
Comment:  "She's not an actor, she's a jazz singer."
Reply:        "What's her name again?"

"I was hoping you'd take my shirt home."
"Why"
"So you could smell me when you're not here."
(Note: sweaty gym socks is not something I want to smell at any time.)

Her: "You fat.  An I ain't neva tell no one theys fat."
Me:  "Yeah, but I'm still a sexy bitch."

Witty Things I've Said Today 09/10/10

She goes through men like a kid goes through popsicles on a hot day.

Witty Things I've Said Today 09/08/10

"You're like an oak tree - shady


"Swapping BB Pin Numbers is like internet 2nd base - under the shirt"


"If I did a cartwheel now, I'd break my arms."


"Puma - the softer, more youthful version of the Cougar."

Witty Words by Me 09/07/10

Skinny Guys Suck!


I'm in 3D, so don't forget your glasses


Who doesn't love potato filled dough?  Gnocci is the zeppoli of pasta.


Real boobs rule!