Brown Sugar

I recently went on a date with a guy who said that he was 5'8" in his dating profile.  Normally, that would mean he was 5'6".  He was more like 5'4".  Why do men do that?  Did he think I wouldn't notice that he was at least an inch shorter than me?!

I will call him Ledge.

Ledge sent me an email that read like this: "You're yummy.  Can I have you?"  It made me laugh but I didn't answer him for a week or so.  He had a nice smile, complete with dimples.  Out of boredom one afternoon, I answered his email and we started to chat a bit.  He sells advertising for an ethnic website, which is kind of funny because he likes white chicks.  I was intrigued.  Ledge kept calling me "Baby" and stuff like that which somewhat put me off but I wrote it off as part of his gregarious personality.

Ledge and I decided to meet for drinks.  I decided to wear a dark blue, a-line jean dress, with red print tights and my burgandy John Fluevog Bondgirl boots.  I covered it with my black Boden raincoat.  My hair was cute and curly.  I took the LIRR into the City.  When I arrived, I text him that I was on my way over to the W Hotel on Broadway.  He worked nearby and told me that he was wearing a grey suit (at first I thought he said "Green" - yipes!!).  I said that I had on red boots.  As I got closer to the hotel, I saw him and noticed that he was definitely NOT 5'8".  When I stood next to him, I knew that he wasn't even 5'6" - like he said he was in a text when he asked me not to wear heels.  He should've invested in a pair of lifts or something.

Ledge seemed pleasant enough, so we went upstairs to the Atrium Lounge which was funky and had a nice crowd.  There were white leather couches and chairs in groups around the room and a few private areas off to the side.  We found a spot towards the back of the bar and we got settled.  He sat in a chair and I on the couch.  There was a menu of drinks on the table but he told me that he knew what he wanted - a Strawberry Martini.  Really?!!  I said that I was going to have club soda because I don't imbibe.  He kept trying to push fruit juice on me!  Weird.  When the waitress came over, we ordered our beverages of choice.  A few minutes later, she was back to say that they didn't have the strawberry vodka and gave him several other choices.  Ledge picked an Apple Martini.  Really?!  Then he asked her about fruit juices and was trying to push them on me again!!

Ledge and I chatted about a multitude of subjects and, of course, he asked me a bunch of questions about my job.  Then he went on about his job and his endeavors, which were actually pretty interesting.  The date was comfortable but I knew that I wasn't at all interested in seeing him again but the conversation was pleasant enough, so I stayed.  Besides, I had nothing else to do on a Monday night, so we chatted on and on.

I kind of noticed something weird about Ledge in the first 30 minutes or so.  He seemed to moved his jaw in a slightly strange way but I just wrote that off because his lower jaw was slightly more forward than normal.  Ledge and I ordered a couple more drinks and he moved onto the couch with me.  I wasn't thrilled about it but I kept enough distance between us so that I didn't give him the "Kiss me" vibe.

Ledge seemed to be a little tipsy but it wasn't annoying at this point, so we chatted some more.  I got up to use the Ladies Room and when I got inside I was bummed that I forgot my phone in my coat pocket.  I needed to update my girls!!  When I returned, he excused himself and went to the Men's Room, which provided me with the opportunity to tell my girls how short Ledge was.  My texts were met with "Hahaha" and "Oh no.".

Ledge returned and he sat back on the couch with me.  He seemed a bit more fidgety than before and I wanted to go but I couldn't figure out how to politely end our date.  I have such an issue with that!  We decided to go to grab some dinner and went to a place called Latitude 90 or something like that.  He said it was great and that he went there often.  By the time we got to the restaurant, he was ultra jittery and slurring his words.  He jaw was swinging like a Saloon door in the Wild West.  He kept rubbing his face and his little pink tongue kept darting out of his mouth which totally disgusted me.  We ordered dinner and I prayed that the food would be out quickly because I was now anxious to end this date.

Our meal quickly arrived and Ledge proceeded to put some orange mayo concoction on his burger and then took a big bite.  He chomped down, the burger split open, a piece of bacon popped out and ended up between his teeth.  Orange mayo was on his face and hands.  I was pretty grossed out by this point and basically done with my dinner - and the date.  Ledge gabbed on and on and then mentioned how he couldn't wait to go out again and how he wanted to travel with me.  He told me that he's going to fall in love with me and wondered if I was going to fall in love with him!!  Seriously?!!

Finally, the bill came, Ledge paid it and we were out the door.  Unfortunately, he felt the need to walk me to Penn Station.  On the way, he asked me more annoying questions about my job and made inappropriate comments about it.  We finally got to Penn Station and he, ugh, gave me a hug and tried to give me a lip kiss good bye.  I was quick to avoid such a horrific event.  I missed the train so I had to wait for about an hour for the next one.  I saw two friends and I was able to give them a quick run-down of my date and have a few laughs.

One final question:  Did Ledge think I didn't notice that he did cocaine in the bathroom?

I Love the Rain!!

1. When it rains, it's not a good day to do much outside, except splash around in
puddles and catch raindrops on your tongue.
2. When it rains, the sounds it makes when it falls onto my house and beats upon my
windows is calming.
3. When it rains, I look forward to the sound of thunder and the sight of lightening.
4. When it rains, I love how the air feels and smells so clean and fresh.
5. When it rains, I am at peace when the mist comes through my window and falls onto
my face
6. When it rains, it's possible to see a rainbow or two.



Thanks Marc, you were the muse of the day!!!

Not So Tickled Pink

I was perusing a dating site one winter day and I saw a guy who seemed interesting.  According to his profile, he was an actor, a stuntman, liked to run and had a desk job.  Sounded good to me so I sent him an email with all sorts of witty reasons about why I should be a stunt girl.  I didn't hear back from him, so I wrote him off.  No big deal.

A couple of months later, I received an email from this chap and he apologized for not getting back to me sooner.  He just started a new job and he wanted to focus on it.  Understandable, not an issue, so I answered him.  We exchanged about a dozen emails and decided to meet.  He said that we’d get along like peas and carrots.  I replied, “I like peas and carrots, so these reasons:

1. I didn't want to waste precious brain cells communicating with someone for weeks who may turn out to be a dud.  I hate when that happens
2. I like to take off work even if it's for the lamest reason
3. If he's "the one", I wanted to start dating him asap to get him off the market

The Actor and I discussed what options we had available to us.  We had a big laugh because we'd both gone on dates to Rudy's in Hell's Kitchen.  (See "Date With The Yellow Hat").  In all his brilliance, this fella picked a Saturday night, AT 7pm, IN the Spring, IN the heart of the Theatre District, IN Midtown Manhattan.  Not my first choice since everything in the neighborhood is packed with theater-goers and tourists.  Shouldn't a seasoned actor know these things?

Regardless of his poor choice, I got casually dolled up in bootcut jeans, a white button down shirt, a yellow sweater and an adorable pair of green and brown suede shoes with an ankle strap by Fly London.  I topped it off with my light blue ¾ length Boden wool coat and carried my Louis Vuitton purse which contained a pair of green Converse All Stars (in case of pain).

I ran (as usual) to catch the LIRR and headed into The Big City for my date with The Actor.  He has a really funny name but I don't think it would be a good idea to mention it because I'm sure I'll get sued or something stupid like that.

At 7pm, I was standing somewhere in the 40s by 8th Avenue. Broadway shows generally begin at 8pm, so the streets were pretty crowded.  He text me while I was on the LIRR to say that there was a different schedule for the subway he took, so he’d be there a little late.  Not a problem for me to wait for my future boyfriend. 

I stood outside in the cool Spring air, near the brick over pizza place we had decided on and we sent texts back and forth about his progress from Brooklyn.  I was kind of excited to meet him because his pictures were kind of cute and he had a nice voice with a slight Texas accent.  His profile said that he was 5’11” and had a few extra pounds.  He said that he had a regular gig on a tv series but held a steady 9 to 5 job to pay the bills.  He wasn’t a very busy actor but the business is tough, so I gave him some slack.  I was actually more interested in his stuntman career since I have the habit of performing stunts without my own prior knowledge.

The Actor let me know that he finally got out of the subway and was walking towards me.  We joked about him being several different people and that I was the tall transvestite on the corner.  I looked eastbound and saw The Actor approaching me.  My first thought was “He’s not 5’11” and he’s has a little bit more than a ‘few pounds”.  He obviously ran as much (or as little) as I did.  Both aren’t deal breakers but he should face reality and get his height and weight checked on his next visit to the doctor.  Talent scouts notice that sort of thing, don't they?  As he got closer, I was, however, able to see that he was not my type just by his attire.  He wore jeans which were eh, a loud, long sleeve black and white print shirt, a pair of black dress shoes (with jeans?) and a long lightweight coat in a maroon/black marble print.  I’m not a fan of long coats on guys, especially when it’s a little shiny.

I decided to suck it up and keep an open mind because maybe he was a nice guy despite his outdated look.  Besides, I had nothing else to do.  There was a bit of a wait for a table (10 or 15 minutes) and he asked me if I wanted to sit at the bar to wait and I agreed.  On the way, he took it upon himself to decide that we’d sit at the bar and order food.   This was more of a service bar than seating for a first date.  He kept his coat on and barely faced me as he sat.  The Actor asked me if I liked pepperoni and I said “No. But I’m sure there are some interesting things on the menu.”  Helloooo – a pepperoni pizza at a brick oven pizza place?  Boring and cheesy.   We ordered a small pie with mushrooms and black olives which he ate as though he was on his way to "the chair'.  I got a soda and he ordered water.  He commented about how great it was that I don’t drink because bottles of wine were $30 and up.  He asked me if my purse was real.  As if I'd carry a knock-off from Canal St.  We sat and looked around one too many times.  For some reason this guy, who was pretty chatty online and on the telephone, suddenly lost his tongue.  It took a concerted effort for me to have a conversation with him.  Believe it or not, I was running out of subjects to discuss.  We ordered another pizza and, again, I watched him wolf it down with no manners whatsoever.  The busboy placed someone’s used breadbasket next to him to discard.  He took a piece of bread and spread some butter on it.  Really? I was praying to the gods that the staff realized that this was a first AND last date.

The bartender placed the bill on the bar.   “Finally”, I thought, “this date is wrapping up and I can get home and into bed.”  The Actor opened the folder up while I wasn't paying attention and saw the damage - a whopping $32.00.  He then started to "act" distracted by turning and looking away from the bar.  I got the feeling that he wanted to split the bill and I wanted to leave, so I said "How much do I ..."  but before I said "owe" he quickly answered "20 dollars."  Damn, if I knew he was so broke, I would've payed the whole bill.  

We made our way onto the street and I said that I was getting tired because I'd worked the night before.  He seemed to ignore me and he basically dragged me to 42nd St., to the movie theaters.  I was tired, my feet were hurting and I wanted to go home.  He was so not blister-worthy and I had no desire to sit in a theater with him for the following three reasons:

1. I can't stand movie theaters,
2. all of the movies sucked as far as I was concerned and
3. I did not want to spend anymore time with this cheap bastard.

Finally, I spoke a little bit louder and said "I'm really tired and I'm going to head home."  He said, "Okay.  I guess it doesn't make sense to pay $13 for a movie when you're going to fall asleep in it.  There's a subway around the corner."  He failed to notice the one in front of us and ignored me pointing out the closer, less painful route.  Fortunately, I had my Metrocard out because he darted down the stairs ahead of me and went through the turnstile without giving me a swipe.  On the second set of stairs, he did the same thing as a train was approaching.  He told me to hurry.  I was hoping he would get on it before the doors closed.  Grumble.  He did not.  So we stood there awkwardly and I said "It's ok.  There will be another one soon."  On the platform, he saw a girl that he used to work with and pointed her out.  I looked in her direction but made no effort to see who he was talking about.  "Huh," I said, "small world."

Happily a train pulled into the station but, alack, we sat there for a good 5 minutes with the doors open and made annoying small talk.  Suddenly, The Actor said, "I'm going to go say 'Hi!' to my friend." For some reason kissed me on the cheek and said "It was nice to meet you." before rudely leaving the car that I was standing in - ON 42nd Street,  IN NYC, AT 11:00pm.  What a gentleman!  I looked at the young cop who was watching this unfold and I said "What a douche."

When I got off the Subway, my feet were blistered and hurt so badly.  I remembered that I had my Chucks in my purse, so I decided to make a switch.  As I struggled to unbuckle the second shoe, a strange guy walked by and said "Nice shoes.  Are they Gucci." I politely smiled and said "No.  Fly London."  Gucci?!!  Even if I was able to afford Gucci shoes, they are definitely not my style.

Two weeks later, I got an email from The Actor.  I thought "Hmmmm.  Strange.  This should be interesting."  I opened the email and it said "Hi, I enjoyed meeting you but I've met someone else.  We've had a couple of dates and I want to see how it ends up."  Really?!!!!

Incidentally, the big stuntman role he had was running his fat ass naked down a street.  Stuntman, my ass.  I do more stunts walking down a staircase in the snow.

Online Dating Photos

Online photos are posted for men to allegedly attract women.  Some men seem to be looking for buddies more than mates and sometimes I can't imagine what they are looking for.  Here are examples of photos that are funny, weird and/or disturbing that men post to attract women:

- A webcam photo of some freaky, basement dwelling guy that had bags and boxes of "stuff" in the background.  It seems he was a bit of a hoarder.  I guess he wanted to show his future bride that he was a serious collector of....something?

- Guy in the basement with 7 foot ceilings and living rooms with 70s and 80s decor.

- Guy with gigantic dead fish proudly displayed on a boat or a dock. Is he looking for The Gorton's

   Fisherman's daughter?

- Guy next to his car - which he usually calls his "baby" or "pride and joy".

- Guy on his motorcycle (which can be kind of hot depending on the guy and the bike).  Thug on Ninja-type bike, not so hot to regular chicks.

- Guy in his car with the door open - like's he's going somewhere important.

- Guy in self-picture he's taken while inside his car with weird facial expression.

- Guy holding up 3 bottles of booze while his friend holds 3 more.

- Guy in self-pic at the gym with muscle tank (add weight-lifting gloves for the serious gym rat).

- Guy flexing his biceps in his gym picture to show that his steroids are working.

- Guy in self-pic with no shirt in the bathroom (stomach sucked in is a bonus).

- Guy in self-pic with not showing his head, no shirt on and flexing his upper body.

- Guy doing a Russian Split and then some sort of contortionist pose while in said split.

- Guy with cat, cats, bird or a reptile.

- Guys with kids in their pictures.  Pictures of kids should be banned from dating sites.

- Guy with picture of Mom - cut the apron strings, please.

- Guy with ex's face/body cut out of picture with an arm still around his neck.

- Guy with Santa, Elves or theme park characters: Sesame Street, Disney, etc

- Guy at a Convention: Star Wars, comic book, Medieval and the like, car, boat, porn star (yes), etc.

- Guy in what looks like a Mug Shot.

- Guy who posed at Glamor Shots for his profile pictures.

- Guy in work id picture.

- Guy who took a photo of a photo in a frame to post on profile.

- Guy sleeping in bed looking all sexy (I don't think his mom took that picture).

- Guy who puts a celebrities photo up.

- Guy making a stupid face

- Guy wearing a Santa hat or Disney ears (Mickey or Goofy)

- Guy that you can't actually see because it's taken so far away (I'm sure there's a valid reason for that).

- Guy in bike shorts, bike shirt and helmet (like they are Tour de France participants).

- Guys in short running shorts, all sweaty because they are running in a marathon.

- Guy with sick pot belly, not one recognizable muscle, posing shirtless asking why he's not getting any responses.

- Guy who is a huge sports fan at a game with a painted face, cheese head, Viking helmet, etc.

- Guy sitting in a bar where everyone probably knows his name.

- Guy in his 60s outside someone's door, holding a stuffed monkey and a bouquet of 7-11 flowers.

- Guy dressed in Gang colors flashing gang signs.

- Guy in police, fd or military uniform (come on, really?).

- Guy with an ascot sitting in a Victorian Era love seat with his legs crossed (looking for a girl?)

- Guy who is cross-dressed in 5 inch heels and lingerie looking for an understanding female

- Guy in cowboy hat who's not in a rodeo or at a country music concert.

If you read this and are guilty of the above  please take heed and edit your profile.  If you know someone who is violating all forms of decency, please help them edit their profile.  I'm not sure what the percentage is of women who like any of the above poses but I'll bet it's on the low side (most likely in the single digits).

Check back because I can guarantee there's more to come.

They All Have Something in Common...

My first On-line date:  Dressed like an old man and seemed to have dust on his clothing.  He wore bad shoes.  Doughy and pale. He had a cat.

The Guy with the Little Head - and ears that stuck out.  He said he was 5'9" but was really about 5'6"/5'7". His sister wrote his profile.  He had a cat.

The Holistic Musician - has his own blog story on here (coming soon).  Long hair, soft spoken.  He had a cat.

Lonely Boy - wore Hawaiian shirts.  Tried to dress me in Dress Barn clothing.  Gave me instructions on how to behave when I met his family.  He had a cat.

Pink Parts - has his own blog story on here (coming soon).  Thought it was ok to make people believe that he was a doctor even though he sold medical equipment.  He had a cat.

Short, Sweat Bald Guy - wore orange socks.  Was not 5'10".  Was about 5'7" and had a loft-type bed which he had to hop up on.  He had a cat.

Date with the Yellow Hat.  Has his own blog story on here.  He had a cat.

Not so Tickled Pink - has his own blog story on here (coming soon). Wore Hawaiian shirt and a long, canvas coat.   He had a cat.

Introduction to Online Dating

I'm part of a group of women who are older, single and looking for someone to be spend time with.  I'd like to find a guy who can deal with me through thick (literally) and thin (I wish).  Unfortunately, meeting guys in person is difficult, so I began the adventure of online dating.

The online dating idea had been in my head for a while but I just couldn't get started and I was kind of afraid that I'd look desperate.  In October of 2008, I was home sick and so bored.  I really missed people watching and actually interacting with people.  The next thing I knew, Starfish was born and I was now in the game.

It's been a long and interesting two years with a few different user names, lot of laughs and great stories to share with friends.  Nicknames were created to keep up with who was where and what his story was.  Weekly updates were demanded of me because the characters somehow became a source of entertainment for all.  The pressure was on for me to produce more men!

Be that as it may, online dating is one crazy trip.  I've been down some wacky roads along the Internet Dating Highway and I think it's time to share some of my adventures.  So buckle up, grab a snack and a smoke and maybe I'll get you to laugh a little, too.

I started my search on a couple of paid sites, foolishly thinking that I'd get a more realistic bunch of prospects.  Unfortunately, I was dead wrong.  I can't publish any of the pictures or profiles but I think you'll get a good mental picture by the end of this Blog.  The profiles range from beyond hysterical, to very odd, to quite disturbing.  Every time that I think I've found the weirdest profile, I come across one that tops it.

So if you're bored one day, go to one of the free sites and make up a profile just to do some people watching.  You're sure to have a few laughs - and if you're single, you might find your next date.

To Be Continued....

January 27, 2012

Why is it that all the guys who have been emailing me are only interested in cyber-sex?
"John" and "Kurt" and the names go on.  Aren't there any normal looking guys interesting in meeting a cool chick like me?!!